Thursday, June 4, 2009

2 Minutes of Hate

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There's a meme rolling through town. What do you hate the most? 18 categories. I mellowed out a lot in the last few years- which means I was a raving, hateful sonofabitch back then- so I really have to think about some of these.

1. Most Hated Food
Ahem, I love food. Watching Andrew Zimmern's Bizarre Foods makes me want to try roast suckling pig eyeballs and brains. I had fried chicken feet at a dim sum place once. Didn't like it. But I finished it, to be polite.

2. Most Hated Person
Even after 9/11 when I flirted with reading Anne Coulter, I thought Rush Limbaugh was a hypocritical loudmouth who'd stab his mom in the cooter to make a buck. Choke on a bottle of oxycontin, you moron. I mean sure, Kim Jong Il is a lot worse, but he's got awesome hair and is less obnoxious.

3. Most Hated Job
I've been a short-order cook, construction site lackey, drug store delivery boy, tech support monkey for Target's bridal registry kiosks and credit card authorization machines, and various shades of computer systems administrator. I once worked for a company that analyzed stock information, and my boss hired me to watch the 4pm jobs fire off while he played Everquest. I didn't know that when he hired me. I'd rather do desktop support, sling hash, or deliver meds to old ladies who had Alzheimer's and thought I was their brother coming back from the war than work for those assholes again.

4. Most Hated City
"Los Angeles is the plastic asshole of the world." - William Faulkner.
There are nice places in L.A., but I hate the city as a whole. The vibe it, and more importantly its people, give off. I liked San Fran, San Jose was a bit of a rich nerd paradise but it's okay. Everyone wants to be boy G or a movie star. Alpha Dog says all I could say about the city. Though they get some points for Pink's, Philippe's, and In-N-Out Burger.

5. Most Hated Band
It's a tie between Bon Jovi and Coldplay. "Livin' on a Prayer" is the only song by BJ allowed in my car.

6. Most Hated Website
Ain't it Cool that I Kiss Ass and Smell like Poo News

7. Most Hated TV Program
Anything with Rachael Ray's ear-splitting voice on it. It began with her "$40 a Day" show which was $40, not including tips. Cheap cunt!

8. Most Hated Movie
I like bad movies. I sat through Highlander 2 in theaters. But I can't fucking stand the horrible remake of Gone in 60 Seconds. The original is awesome. The remake is like Nicholas Cage ate Armageddon and shat it into your popcorn (which is #2).

9. Most Hated Artist
Keith Haring - glad you're dead. Living? Jeff Koons. Sure, it's pretty. But there's something about a giant metal balloon animal that makes me yearn for the shittiest nonrepresentational art imaginable.

10. Most Hated Book
I've read Atlas Shrugged and the Satanic and the King James Bibles, and Dianetics. But Will by G. Gordon Liddy was the most self-promoting fascist crap I've ever finished. Though I don't think I could read Atlas Shrugged again. It's like Finnegan's Wake for MBA's.

11. Most Hated Shop

12. Most Hated Organization
I've been a member of the NRA and the ACLU at the same time. PETA can be annoying, and I wish their leader would boycott her insulin, but it's hard to beat the Church of Scientology. But if I choose them they'll kill me. So I'll play it safe and say

13. Most Hated Historical Event
The Irish Famine. Fuck you, Britain.

14. Most Hated Sport
Gymnastics. Though the injuries are pretty entertaining. Yes, let's encourage our children to dress in leotards and use centrifugal force to fling themselves

15. Most Hated Piece of Tech
The cellular phone. I'm addicted too, but I turn the thing off during movies.

16. Most Hated Annual Event
The Miss America pageant. I find it hilarious that we need to pretend to care about what causes they care about, when we really just want to ogle their bodies. The ones for kids are revolting, but this is what started it.

17. Most Hated Daily Task
Cleaning the litter box.The Onion's best one-line gag ever? "Want a box of shit in your house? Get a cat"

18. Most Hated Comedian
Dennis Miller is the easy choice, but I also went Republican for a while after 9/11. But I got better. I can forgive him. Those Weekend Updates were very funny. But fuck you, Dane Cook! You are not funny. Okay, you were funny as The Waffler in Mystery Men. THAT'S IT.

Whew. As you can see ranting comes easy to me. I'm gonna go cool off with some meditation and a large gin and tonic. Peace out.

1 comment:

  1. well i guess you're not gay since you dont like Coldplay.


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