Saturday, May 16, 2009

Megashark vs. Giant Octopus

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Welcome to my new category - cinemasochism, or "why did I watch this shit?" Now I knew going in that Megashark vs. Giant Octopus was going to be bad. If you don't know that from the title alone, you've never accidentally flipped to the Sci-Fi Channel (or SF Channel, whatever that turd is calling itself now). I just wanted to see the move that dared to have a 500 foot long shark jump out of the ocean to chomp a jumbo jet. Because that's one of the most awesome things I've ever heard of.
On your left, you can see a 500 foot shark jumping 30,000 feet to eat us.

But let me assure you that if the title isn't enough to warn you to just watch clips of this on youtube, the words "starring Lorenzo Lamas" and "starring Deborah Gibson" ought to do it. Yes, Debbie "Foolish Beat" Gibson. And she's actually the best actor in the whole thing! I sat around thinking, "hmm, that guy from Braveheart (Sean Lawlor) is really phoning it in." And "Hmm, Lorenzo Lamas is not only dressed like Steven Seagal, but he actually makes me appreciate that pony-tailed oaf's acting abilities."
If you wanna mimic Seagal you're gonna need to eat more donuts.

The story begins off the coast of Alaska, where Debbie Gibson and her fat science buddy are cruising in a "borrowed" mini-sub to watch the mating of the CG humpback whales. They only have about 5 seconds of footage, so they loop it. The Military- who all wear Aviator glasses- are dropping sonar bombs to test something. Probably testing how it kills whales and causes glaciers to collapse, because that's what happens. The whales start "killing themselves, ramming themselves into the wall!!"- which sadly is only spoken and not shown, because it's hilarious- and the collapsing glacier frees two immense creatures underwater. Yes, Meg A. Shark and Guy Anthony (Ant for short) Octopus.
Frozen in ice, battling through eternity...

Debbie wants to complain about The Military, but The Government (who all wear suits and black sunglasses) are standing around threatening-like. Later, when a dead whale washes up, they won't let her take a sample of the huge tooth she finds stuck in it. It's 3 feet long. I couldn't tell whether it was supposed to be from the shark or the octopus tentacles, because it looked like a tree branch. When she sneaks back at night to steal the tooth, the whale is covered with a big tarp so they don't have to render the CG again.
Her Electric Youth Army defeats the monsters

The shark begins attacking ships, like the USS Lead Destroyer, which my Marine pal Milky says "destroys lead in the ocean." He was in the Military and has those special glasses, so I believe him. The Octopus- which they amazingly render all 8 tentacles on, so it's not a sextapus- decides to avenge all his brethren made into sushi, and attacks Tokyo. Not that we get to see much of it. A few tentacles smashing an oil rig, and a lot of screaming. The Japanese Military interrogators get the one survivor to draw what attacked them, and he just draws an eye. And no one mentions Godzilla. I mean come on. Movie Tokyo should have installed a big fence by now.
CG is not an improvement over rubber tentacles.

The scientists are finally brought in to make science work, and Debbie Gibson and the old guy from Braveheart work on making pheromones to lure the creatures together, because "they are natural enemies." Now I know that sperm whales and giant squid- which have ten tentacles, and therefore more expensive to render- are natural enemies because the whales like to eat them. Sharks pretty much eat anything, including license plates, bridges, and 747s as this movie shows. But I guess these particular critters hold grudges against each other. I think they were roommates.
"Are you sure this is fluorescent enough to work?!"

So the scientists make fluorescent green stuff- the color of SCIENCE!- that will make the monsters fight each other for our viewing pleasure. But not before the Military does its military stuff of trying to shoot missiles at them, which countless Giant Monster movies have proven is completely useless. It's not like missiles are meant to blow up metal ships and concrete buildings or anything. Mushy octopus foreskin is much tougher. These pesky attacks piss off the shark, which attacks the Golden Gate Bridge in rage. The octopus goes after Tokyo Bay, but due to budget constraints we only get to hear about it. In fact, they should have done the whole movie this way, and just had the entire story be told by a drunk old guy at a bar.
Biting a destroyer, which of course explodes.

Science prevails, of course. Debbie Gibson gets it on with her Asian colleague, showing that brainy Asian dudes can at least hit has-been '80s pop stars in movies. Harold would be mortified. "Couldn't he at least bang someone who sang something cool!?" Though gotta say, Debbie still looks pretty good. I wish her hit singles lended themselves to sexual innuendo, but I got nothin'. There's no nudity, and we also get blueballed over who would win in a fight, a giant shark, or a giant octopus, for these natural enemies lock in an amorous embrace and sink to the bottom of the sea, fighting it out for all eternity.
The monsters are spooning.

So save your money (cough) and your bandwidth, the clips you've already seen are by far the best thing about this. I was at least hoping for some crazy dialogue like in Shark Attack 3. Milky was agog at the lack of a wake for the shark's fin, or when they forgot to put stuff in front of the green screen in some scenes. But that just adds to the charm, if this movie had any. It don't.

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