Welcome to my new category - cinemasochism, or "why did I watch this shit?" Now I knew going in that Megashark vs. Giant Octopus was going to be bad. If you don't know that from the title alone, you've never accidentally flipped to the Sci-Fi Channel (or SF Channel, whatever that turd is calling itself now). I just wanted to see the move that dared to have a 500 foot long shark jump out of the ocean to chomp a jumbo jet. Because that's one of the most awesome things I've ever heard of.
Braveheart (Sean Lawlor) is really phoning it in." And "Hmm, Lorenzo Lamas is not only dressed like Steven Seagal, but he actually makes me appreciate that pony-tailed oaf's acting abilities."
The story begins off the coast of Alaska, where Debbie Gibson and her fat science buddy are cruising in a "borrowed" mini-sub to watch the mating of the CG humpback whales. They only have about 5 seconds of footage, so they loop it. The Military- who all wear Aviator glasses- are dropping sonar bombs to test something. Probably testing how it kills whales and causes glaciers to collapse, because that's what happens. The whales start "killing themselves, ramming themselves into the wall!!"- which sadly is only spoken and not shown, because it's hilarious- and the collapsing glacier frees two immense creatures underwater. Yes, Meg A. Shark and Guy Anthony (Ant for short) Octopus.
The shark begins attacking ships, like the USS Lead Destroyer, which my Marine pal Milky says "destroys lead in the ocean." He was in the Military and has those special glasses, so I believe him. The Octopus- which they amazingly render all 8 tentacles on, so it's not a sextapus- decides to avenge all his brethren made into sushi, and attacks Tokyo. Not that we get to see much of it. A few tentacles smashing an oil rig, and a lot of screaming. The Japanese Military interrogators get the one survivor to draw what attacked them, and he just draws an eye. And no one mentions Godzilla. I mean come on. Movie Tokyo should have installed a big fence by now.
The scientists are finally brought in to make science work, and Debbie Gibson and the old guy from Braveheart work on making pheromones to lure the creatures together, because "they are natural enemies." Now I know that sperm whales and giant squid- which have ten tentacles, and therefore more expensive to render- are natural enemies because the whales like to eat them. Sharks pretty much eat anything, including license plates, bridges, and 747s as this movie shows. But I guess these particular critters hold grudges against each other. I think they were roommates.
So the scientists make fluorescent green stuff- the color of SCIENCE!- that will make the monsters fight each other for our viewing pleasure. But not before the Military does its military stuff of trying to shoot missiles at them, which countless Giant Monster movies have proven is completely useless. It's not like missiles are meant to blow up metal ships and concrete buildings or anything. Mushy octopus foreskin is much tougher. These pesky attacks piss off the shark, which attacks the Golden Gate Bridge in rage. The octopus goes after Tokyo Bay, but due to budget constraints we only get to hear about it. In fact, they should have done the whole movie this way, and just had the entire story be told by a drunk old guy at a bar.