Friday, May 8, 2009

Give 'em Hell, Malone!

I'm reading: Give 'em Hell, Malone!Tweet this!
Has Russell Mulcahy ever made a bad film? He made Highlander, which introduced us to immortals who could only die if you beheaded them, and Scottish men playing Egyptians with Spanish names. He made Ricochet where Denzel Washington fights John Lithgow atop an electrified tower. He made The Shadow where living knives attacked Alec Baldwin, and he could not just cloud men's minds but shoot bullets out of the air long before Angelina Jolie curved them. And he made Resident Evil: Extinction where Milla Jovovich got to sport Mad Max meets Wild West gear while twirling dual kukris and firing shotguns with her punani. Okay I made that last part up, but it would have been awesome.

Russell Mulcahy likes fedoras

I know you're saying, "Hey, Tommy Salami! Haven't you forgotten a little film called Highlander 2: The Quickening?" The punchline to every sequel joke in the universe, surpassed by Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo only because of alliteration, and Godfather III because at least Sofia Coppola dies at the end, making it a feel good movie? You know what, I saw Highlander 2 in the fucking theater. I did not walk out, though I wanted to. Planet Zeist? I even spoiled the movie for thousands of usenet nerds, I was so incensed. I never saw "The Renegade Version" either, because I will never watch that movie again in any form, unless Booberella sits in my lap the entire time, so I can cover my eyes with her stupendous knockers at will.

But you know what, I forgive Russell Mulcahy every time I watch the first Highlander movie. Because it's so damn stupid but so endlessly entertaining. Because the French guy plays the Scotsman and the Scottish fella plays an Egyptian named Ramirez and doesn't even try to change his accent. And because Clancy Brown has the coolest sword in the world. So there. Why am I telling you this? Because Russell's next movie stars Thomas "remember me from Punisher and not crying like a bitch in The Mist" Jane and Ving motherfuckin' Rhames as hard-boiled detectives kicking ass all over Spokane, in Give 'Em Hell, Malone. Watch that teaser, where they shoot smash and bad-ass their way through thugs mugs and slugs.

The full trailer shows a slightly cheesy hard-boiled pastiche set in present day, but with awesome chop-top Buicks and fedoras for no reason. They're hunting the contents of a case that held... the meaning of love. Wait a minute, whatchoo talkin' bout Mr. Salami? The meaning of love angle seems silly, but its just a MacGuffin. No different than a Maltese Falcon, you ever seen one of those? No, the one in the movie was a fake. OMG SPOILERS!! And what was in the case in Pulp Fiction? No one gives a shit! So what.
I think we took a wrong turn at Sin City

Just be there opening day (I'll be lonely!) and remember what Ving said: "next time there's a new guy tell him to let the big bad black motherfucker go."


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