Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Heavy Metal Parking Lot

I'm reading: Heavy Metal Parking LotTweet this!

Holy fucking shit, did we look like that? Yeah, we did... I was a burnout / punk back in '86; a headbanger, a metalhead, in later parlance. I never saw Judas Priest in concert, but I saw Iron Maiden, where I was hit in the head with a flying black lace double-D brassiere, and succumbed to a blue-balled concussion. I saw AC/DC twice at the Meadowlands, resplendent in my shredded tiger-stripe Army jacket with the Dead Kennedys album cover "Give Me Convenience or Give Me Death" painted on the back by friend Suzanne (the artistic one).
I'd kill for those Porsche sunglasses today.

So in a way, Heavy Metal Parking Lot could be about me. Sort of. I was too much of a nerd to be a real metalhead- I never got high, rarely got drunk, and despite looking very scary, I was a real pussy in high school. It took a beating by 3 jocks to make me hit the weights and become the rippling monster of muscle I am today. Now I get beat up by women at Advanced Fighting Systems instead.

The documentary is only 17 minutes long, so this is NetFlix Queue fodder. I'm glad I didn't buy the DVD, because I was expecting a feature. They manage to cram 4 hours of stuff on the disc, but much of it is different versions of the doc, then some other ones they did- Harry Potter Parking Lot being the funniest. They concentrate on little kids instead of the teenage nerds dressed as Dumbledorks, so that gets old quick. Even Triumph the Insult Comic Dog won't make fun of kids.
The hair. Leopardskin. A Bronco II. You're in the 80s.

They try some middle-aged women at a Neil Diamond concert, but it's really not the same. There's also some "where are they now" stuff where they find one of the guys- the one with the Porsche sunglasses- and he's just a dude now. And then they pore over some guy's huge collection of metal nostalgia, including tons of Judas Priest stuff. But that's the cinematic equivalent of being trapped in a nerd's basement, listening to his rants about what album defined the style of a band who sang a 13 minute epic about the Loch Ness monster.
Sadly my hair was a planetoid even by '80s standards.

But the 17 minute documentary itself is a classic, a trip down a memory lane most of us would rather speed past. The guys just grabbed a camera, made some vague hints about MTV, and let the fans do the rest. Drinking beer, smoking pot- probably from big feathered roach clips- made them all the more entertaining, as they mug for the camera. But the best parts are the slips, like the 20 year old macking on a 13 year old- and that's the douchebag they track down later! Then there's the girl who says she'd like to jump lead singer Rob Halford's bones. If she only knew! Back then, despite Hell Bent for Leather, it wasn't well-known that Halford is gay.
A zebra and his alpaca mates

The short movie captures 1986 in crisp focus for all you whippersnappers who think it was all like Awesome 80's Prom. Let's face it, the real 80's were that great- one hit wonders weren't all over the radio, we mostly were forced to listen to Phil Collins, Huey Lewis and Whitney Houston on heavy rotation. The metal was of the hair variety, bands like Poison and Cinderella, with their requisite ballads and foundation make-up that made you long for KISS's wacky costumes. Sure there was plenty of good music, but just like hit radio is nauseating today, it wasn't much better unless you had college radio or a good local station. But take a trip to a Heavy Metal Parking Lot- which reminded me a lot of the now-gone Senior parking lot at my alma mater Nutley High School (my hometown, from whence Martha Stewart sprang like a decorating demon in a cloud of brimstone and potpourri)- and remember the crazy 80's for a little while.

1 comment:

  1. Those baby faced, afro mullety pics of you always make me crack up. Kenny fucking Powers hairstyle!


Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.