Saturday, March 14, 2009

Happy Steak and Blow Job Day!

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March 14th has been officially named Steak and a Blow Job Day. One month after Valentine's Day, there's a romantic holiday focusing on the guys. Now, many of the ladies pamper the men in their lives for V-day, but they are the exception. And a lovely exception they are.

But in general, Valentine's Day is the time of year when men have to spend lavish amounts in an expensive mating dance, to show off their love for the woman in their life. Much of the time it seems crafted to impress anyone who might be watching, instead of the lady in question; it's expected. I've got to agree with sex columnist Dan Savage that restaurants kill romance- unless you can find a cozy one, you're all dressed up and everyone knows why you're dining; wouldn't a home-cooked meal be better? Or better yet, get busy first, then go out after you've worked up a appetite.

So after all the planning, pampering and expenditure, how about a nice easy return the favor holiday, ladies? Grab two steaks at the butcher's, cook 'em up according to Alton Brown's simple directions in a cast-iron pan, or on a grill if you're blessed with one; then get comfy on the couch and take care of business. As the late Richard Jeni said, men love blow jobs because it combines two of our favorite things- having sex, and doing nothing! That, and it's sort of primal. The woman is in complete control. And there's no better sexual pampering than oral- you're saying, "lay back, this is about you now."


A somewhat amusing comedy sketch about the holiday.

If the taste is bad, there are plenty of articles out there on how your man can improve it. Everyone knows asparagus is a no-no; sulfurous veggies like cabbage, cauliflower and broccoli too. Steak may make it worse, so don't dilly-dally after the steak part- get right to business! Lots of fresh fruits, especially pineapple, blueberries, papaya and banana are supposed to sweeten it, while alcohol, smoking, and greasy food are said to make it bitter. The penis is a damn doctor, telling you to eat right. This time the big head might want to listen to what the little head is saying.

Now, some guys may be blessed with many steaks and blow jobs throughout the year. But that doesn't mean they shouldn't get their special day today. When we bring you flowers on random occasions, and make spontaneous romance, it doesn't get us off the hook on February 14th. So hone your steak cooking skills and ask your girlfriends for pointers if BJ ain't your forte. And relax. The worst blow job in the world is better than the best night without one. Unless you have vampire fangs or something.

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