Thursday, March 12, 2009

Get paid to poop.

I'm reading: Get paid to poop.Tweet this!
Some people hate using public toilets, even those at the workplace. A friend of my mom's won't go in public, and has to race home when the urge hits. Not me. It is a fine day when my symphony of my daily movement is synchronized to be during work hours. Because then my employers are paying me to poop.

The hell, you say? Wouldn't that be part of break time? Let me tell you something, in the I.T. field there's no break time. There's no lunch time if you don't go out for lunch, or find someplace to hide with your sandwich. People will walk up and ask you about why Party Poker is blocked while you've got a mouthful of ham. The taskbar is too small. Put down your food and help me! Or the copier is broken. The copier has electronic parts and is like a computer, so can you look at it? Yeah, sure. In a minute. Due to the nature of quantum physics, that minute may never occur for you. Time behaves differently for objects moving at different speeds, and you're slow.

So the crapper is one of the few havens, if you conveniently forget your Blackberry on your desk. I bring a book. Not a paperback, either. I don't even try to hide it. Stupid magazines like Men's Journal give advice on how to be a corporate drone, and one is to never walk around with a newspaper in your hand. Good workers don't have time for leisure! I don't think so. I'm not answering the phone when I'm in the Fortress of Solitude. At one job, a manager recognized my shoes and started asking me stuff while I was "pinching off a CAT-5 cable." I asked him if he wanted to wipe my ass. No? Then wait till I'm done.

In fact, depending on how bad your job is, you might want to eat more fiber. And White Castles. They'll keep you in the stall for a while. Just remember to perform a courtesy flush when someone comes in. Or if you recognize their shoes, you might decide to let them smell the magic.

1 comment:

  1. I couldn't agree more. Apparently people associate being computer savvy with low self esteem/self worth. I don't need to take off my coat or have my morning coffee, let me walk right in and address the crisis caused by your ineptitude. It's like people still view us as the stereotypical "nerds" that have no life, no feelings and no personal agenda. Poop time is our time!


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