Friday, March 27, 2009

Diners, Drive-Ins and Douche Bags

I'm reading: Diners, Drive-Ins and Douche BagsTweet this!
Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives is one of those Food Network shows I watch despite its incredibly annoying host, Guy Fieri. He's the owner of two California restaurants- Johnny Garlic and Tex Wasabi- and won the "next big Food TV star" contest a few years back, and now he drives to restaurants all over America that serve down-home cooking with some flair. You learn about a lot of joints you wouldn't normally hear of unless you lived near them, and it's great information for road trips. However, the show is nearly intolerable because of "Fieri" himself.

Just look at the hair and his beard. It screams douche. He looks like a porcupine who got drunk and tried to screw a bottle of bleach. And the beard. It has antennae. I'm convinced that it's some sort of alien growth that he must feed.


So, Why is Guy Fieri a douchebag?

1. He wears his sunglasses on the back of his head




Seriously, wtf dude?








2. The manscaping
I hate that term but for him I will use it, because it is so contrived. His goatee looks like the make-up department spent hours trying to hide his wattle of a double chin. And as I mentioned, the hair looks like Elton John, '80s Ozzy, and every Guido from the Jersey Shore had a manbaby.

3. That's not his real name
According to Wikipedia, the source of all that is true filtered through obsessive internet nerdery, Guy's real name is Guy Ramsey Ferry. He also pronounces it with a thick Italian accent out of nowhere, to make him sound like an exotic Italian chef instead of a generic California douche nozzle.

4. He forces his catchphrases down your throat
"That's bananas! Cuz bananas are Gooooood." That is off the hook! None of them make much sense or are memorable at all, but that doesn't stop him from trying to force them on us through the magic of repeitition.

5. He never shuts up
Yes, you have to talk on a TV show, but he just interrupts his subjects to spout his idiotic asides, or repeats what they are saying. Anthony Bourdain, though his name makes him sound like a snob, is actually interesting to listen to. Guy makes you wish you had a cricket bat to shove in his pie hole.

6. He recites all their "secret ingredients"
Now, Guidouche may have a few restaurants and a nice gig pimping TGIFriday's slop, but these local joints he visits aren't so lucky. Maybe they don't want their recipes broadcast all over TV. Sometimes the owner will read them off, but when they don't, Guy tries to recite them as they use them, and you can often see the chef's aggravation. Hey, Douchemaster General, list all your recipes from Tex Wasabi or Shenanigan's or whatever your lamely named restaurant is before you go giving away someone else's.

7. Everything is great
I've been to a few places he's put on his show, and while they were quite good, I'm sure glad I didn't drive too far out of my way. I even had the same dishes he did. Sure, all places have an off day, and the food was not bad- but was it as orgasmic as Guy made it sound? No. It makes me wonder, the few times he isn't ecstatic, if the food tasted like shit. Because mediocre brisket is enough to make him cream in his bowling shirt.

So, do the world a favor and fade into obscurity. Some generic talking head could replace you and do just fine. Or some loud-mouthed blogger from New Jersey (cough). Drive your Camaro (#1 car for douchebags) into the sunset. That would be "bananas."

6 comments:

  1. There was one episode where he actually didn't like something he ate and was clearly disgusted by the fact that he had to eat it. It was pickled catfish or something.

    At first I didn't like him, but he grew on me. I had the same reaction with Rachel Ray. I hated her, then liked her, but am now back to hating her.

    "That is so money!"

    :-)

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  2. I hate that guy... I completely agree about the Camaro. I am sure it is an IROC.

    How does he get a "T" in his name. He says "Fieti" when I hear it. Maybe he want to be like Bret Favre? :-)

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  3. You are just Jealous.

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  4. i ate at 'the beacon' in south carolina because of seeing it on his show. it sucks.

    douche-nozzle, indeed.

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  5. I was telling a friend how stupid men look who wear sunglasses on the back of their heads and she had no idea what I was talking about so I did a google image search for "fieri back of head" and found your entry. I'm a bit disappointed in you - how could you not have added to the list "wears big ass jewelry, big ass shorts (that are almost capris), and bowling shirts." You mention the bowling shirts so that's good. Hehe no but really, I've ranted about every single thing on your list in the past. I love it.

    "If it's funky, I'll find it." - Guy f***ing Ferry (thank you so much for teaching us his real name, hahaha).

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  6. Hate him. Really. Shouldn't they put him on "The Veal World" (Jersey Shore)?

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