Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Conan the Barbarian DVD Commentary and Drinking Game

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What's better than Conan the Barbarian, one of the best fantasy movies ever made? The commentary! Arnold sounds like he's two tokes over the line, and John Milius is spouting philosophy, doing everything except asking if we've ever really, REALLY looked at our hands. It really has to be heard to be believed. You might think Arnold is stupid- especially now that he's a politician- but if you've seen Pumping Iron you know he is a calculating, Machiavellian competitor.
Ahnult Schvartzenegga... and John Milius the Great

But in the commentary for this DVD, he's as dopey as Conan was in Conan the Destroyer, the film that put the first nail in the coffin for fantasy movies in the '80s. The final nail was Red Sonja, of course. Fantasy could survive Arnold's attempts at acting, because the man had presence, and a set of pectoral muscles more emotive than his face. Brigette Nielsen's presence, and her chest, looked puny next to Arnold's. But anyway, they killed fantasy, and the commentary is as close to a Conan the King sequel with Arnold in the lead & Milius directing as we're ever gonna get. Just listen to these gems:

"And if you believe that, you believe there are Richard Simmon juniors running around!"

"she was always dry-blowing her hair."

"I was getting laid a lot in this movie"

"I could not masterbate zem at all, master. I mean I could not master them, master!"



Commentary Best-of

He also says "hyp-mo-tized" sort of like Letterman was doing for a while. And he says it a lot, since Thulsa Doom mesmerizes people a few times. "Look, he is trying to hyp-mo-tize her. Like he does to me later."

Arnold had to be fucking high. I mean, it's not like the first time:
Milky and I heartily recommend that even if the movie isn't one of your favorites, that you give the commentary a try. It's on the Collector's Edition DVD only. You can also build a drinking or toking game around it.

Every time they go ga-ga over a woman's body, take a drink.
Every time Arnold says "hypmotize," take a drink.
When Arnold makes a masturbation joke, take two drinks.
When John Milius yammers for 5 minutes about Conan the Philosopher, or some other spacey shit, you must chug your entire beer. Or take 3 shots.
When Arnold says something completely stupid, like "look at that horse" "look, a camel" or "she dies" take 2 drinks.

I assure you by the end of the night you'll be ready to watch Conan the Destroyer and Red Sonja without complaining.

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